If at First You Don't Suceed, Try Again... and Again, and Again

Part of what makes the kayak fishing community so great is how close knit it is. There is a certain bond shared by those who paddle their way to honey holes. There is an unspoken understanding of the challenges and triumphs in landing a fish while sitting only a few inches above the waterline. But what really sets apart our kayak fishing community is the openness and excitement in sharing the exhilarating experience with beginners.

Now, Outdoor Industry Brands are not dumb; they understand that if they are able to get in front of a consumer as they are just beginning to learn a new sport there is a solid chance they will have a customer for years to come (provided their products don’t suck). Aside from traditional advertising, having a sponsored ProStaff is a great way to reach out to those beginners. And to be on a brand’s ProStaff is definitely a badge of honor. It means that you are skilled enough at your sport to be designated an influencer by the brand.

With this rudimentary understanding of ProStaff paired with my natural outdoor tendencies and passion to fish I have been trying to get on the Bending Branches ProStaff for 3 years now. I mean I work for Bending Branches, I’m basically a shoo-in right? Think again, I’ve been rejected 3 times in a row. Here’s my last failed attempt, maybe you guys can help me figure out where I went wrong...

Dear Mrs. Stern,

Upon learning of an open position in the Society of Bending Branches ProStaff, I have decided I would like to submit my own application to become a member of the “brotherhood”.

Here are my qualifications:

  • I really like to eat (sometimes even fish).
  • I am an expert when it comes to putting a kernel of canned corn on a fish hook (but not worms, that’s just icky).
  • I have perfected my fishing arts by imitating their behavior (I bet you couldn’t tell the difference between me a dead crappie floating on the water).
  • I am hyper-vigilant in regards to safety. I never fish off a dock without my water wings, nose clip, ear plugs, and a speedo.
  • I fish at least 2 times a year.
  • I have mastered the art of time management (as proven by this email).

Please keep in mind when you accept my application you not only get my natural fishing abilities and talents, you also have the support of my staff. My staff includes my mother (she takes the fishies off the hook for me) and my wife who provides the nagging required getting me out of bed to go fish.

When you accept my membership rest assured you will receive the following benefits:

  • Social media coverage for all things Bending Branches. I am very active on both MySpace and AOL instant messenger.
  • I will only wear Bending Branches clothing, even to church (I sure hope you guys have BB pants…).
  • I will think good thoughts and send positive energies to Bending Branches, especially during a full moon when our energies are strongest.
  • Bending Branches paddles will be my exclusive paddle for everything, and I mean everything…
  • I will tattoo BB on my left buttock.
  • I will name my next child Andrew Stern Eskro (regardless of gender).
  • Any future jail booking photos of me will feature me in a competitors t-shirt.

In return for my excellent services I require the following to be supplied by Bending Branches at absolutely no cost to myself:

  1. Professional fishing classes.
  2. Bending Branches Angler Scout paddle since I know it is lighter than the Pro. I tell all my friends that too (see I’m already doing my job).
  3. One rowboat, P-Diddy’s yacht, a pontoon, and 1 pre-inflated inner tube.
  4. One trailer to pull my boats completely outfitted the finest pool floaties to protect my boats (your choice of color). Also please make sure the wheels are at least 24’s and have spinners.
  5. One 2016 model year pickup truck (at least a 1-ton) to pull my trailer and kayaks (see note about wheels above).
  6. An expense account of $100,000 per year (for umm…. travel expenses).
  7. 3lbs of bacon.
  8. 1 night (5pm – 7am) per week of your time. So we can get to know each other better.

I am confident that my qualifications surpass that of most of your current ProStaff. I expect an acceptance letter within 24 hours of receipt of this message. Please deliver all my gear next Monday.

You’re Future #1 ProStaffer,

Mark

Inside Sales & Service

Branches LLC